Where I been

Dam it seems like I aint post in a long time. But it really hasnt been long, has it??...Well I decided to post now just before I go to sleep. I been having some sad and good days but its life so its nothing to me only a phase thats all I will be just fine. Well how was yall christmas???..My Christmas was great. My son got some many toys and shit and I got a pair of Baby Phat Sneakers aslo a Baby Phat coat..Yes I think im kute. LoL naw let me stop being conceited....

Well this pass weekend I stayed at my homegirl Star house. I had so much fun even had some Long Island Ice Tea(shit sneaks up on u). Shoot we got so drunk to the point we aint know what the fuck we were talking about all we knew that we was drunk. LoL..

Anyways I have been receving letters from Chris...THANK GOD... but he is going to be in the box/hole for 4 months...UGHHH meaning we cant talk over the phone for 4 dam months (now I bet time wont fly so fast now just cuz I want it to) and he still have a possablity of coming home next year (2OO9) Im praying hard too!!!! I Just wanna cry just because I need him here with me.Im not gon get into what was said in the letters but everything with US(relationship wise) is going really good.

Moving on to talk about something else cause I dont wanna start crying cause I miss him like krazii.....

Im so hungry right now I dont what to do but I know for dam sure I aint going to no store at this time (1:43am). I got a taste for chineese food well I know I wont get none of that at this time cause the chineese resturant is closed. So therefore no deliever to my house. LoL...

Aww Quan on his Pony (1 of the gifts he got for Christmas)

Sexy And Slim right??? *Yup thats me*

Interesting/Good Day

TODAY WAS A INTERESTING/GOOD DAY. MY SON DROVE ME KRAZY LIKE ALWAYS LOL. I TALKED TO MY BOSS AT MY OLD JOB(KEVINS RESTURANT). HE WAS CLAIMING HE WAS TRYNA CALL ME. WHICH I KNOW IS A DAWN LIE BUT WHATEVER OR MAYBE HE WAS TRYING TO CALL WHO KNOWS. WELL I WENT OVER TO HIM AT THE JOB TODAY AND HE TELLS ME HE NEEDS MY HELP. MEANING HE WANT ME TO COME BACK TO WORK SO IM LIKE I GUESS THATS KOOL. SO I WILL START WORKING BACK THERE ON NEW YEARS EVE. YAY ME...YEAH I KNOW YALL LIKE NEW YEARS EVE. THATS WHAT IM SAYING BUT ITS KOOL TO ME.

MOVING ON....

I HAD A INTERESTING CONVO ON AIM WITH MY BABYFATHER TODAY. HE REALLY SHOCKED ME AND KINDA TOUCHED MY HEART WITH THE SHIT HE WAS SAYING. OKAY OKAY HE DID HAVE ME IN SOME TEARS. WELL I STARTED THE CONVO OFF CAUSE I WAS JUST SITTING THERE THINKING ON WHY I WAS MEAN TO HIM AFTER ME AND HIM HAD BROKE UP. SO YOU KNOW ME I HIT HIM UP....

ME: I never use to be this nice to u
ME: I was just thinking
My BabyFather: abt..........
ME: Maybe I was afraid I wasnt gon be ur babymother nomore thats proballii y I was so dam mean
My BabyFather: how u have my son how manii tymez i have 2 tell u dat
My BabyFather: i juss needed u 2 get dat thru ur head
ME: I know that....
ME: But sometimes I just couldnt get it in my head
ME: Idk y
----------------------------------------- 1:42 pm -----------------------------------------
ME: I like when we not in a relationship. Thats y I accepted shaneequa as ur gf & started being nice
My BabyFather: lol u serious
ME: Lol
ME: Yesssir
ME: im serious abt everything I say
ME: I didnt have to accept her if I aint want too..but its like she no harm so y should I hate her.
ME: I was happy for ya love life..thats y I didnt get mad when I found out abt the tattoo it was stupid but lol that wat happens when u in love

----------------------------------------- 1:49 pm -----------------------------------------
My BabyFather: yeah i guess
My BabyFather: and i neva wanna tell u who im wit cuz i dont want u 2 feel bad
My BabyFather: n da inside
My BabyFather: cuz i still luv u
ME: Yea I learned that...
My BabyFather: u had my first child
My BabyFather: and dats neva gonna change even wen we fight
My BabyFather: i still have da same luv i did wen we first started
ME: I know u still love me but shit happens & its a reason we broke up
ME: Im not mad at u
My BabyFather: u have any problem wit a nigga u tell me and i got u
My BabyFather: u know dat
My BabyFather: ik
ME: Yea
ME: I know u got me
My BabyFather: and 2 tell u da truth i cant put no gurl b4 u

OKAY IMMA STOP THERE WITH THAT CONVO....I WASNT EVEN GON BLOG ABOUT THIS BUT I JUST HAD TO CAUSE THIS IS THE DEEPEST CONVERSATION I EVER HAD WITH HIM(WELL TO ME ITS DEEP). YES I WAS IN TEARS WHEN HE SAID HE STILL LOVE ME. I ALWAYS KNEW THAT BUT TO HEAR IT COME FROM HIM REALLY TOUCHED MY HEART. I THINK WE BROKE UP ONLY FOR THE GOOD SO WE BOTH CAN MOVE ON AND NOT FIGHT/ARGUE ALL THE TIME. YEAH WE HAVE ARGUEMENTS ONCE IN A WHILE BUT NOT LIKE WE USE TOO. CAUSE BEFORE WE USE TO ARGUE EVERY GOT DAM DAY ESPECAILLY WHEN WE WERE TOGETHER. MY BABYFATHER HAS CHANGED ALOT AND IM GLAD HE DID, CAUSE IF HE WOULD OF STILL BEEN THAT "IMMATURE DUDE" THIS COMING 2009 I WOULD OF LOST MY DAM MIND FOR REAL.

OH JUST IN CASE YALL ASK ....**YES HE REALLY GOT HIS GIRL NAME TATTED ON HIM**AND HE KNOWS THAT WAS A STUPID KRAZI MOVE TOO BUT HEY THATS HIS BODY HE CAN DO WHATEVER HE PLEASE TO IT . I CANT TRIP. IM NOT EVEN HATTING . IM REALLY HAPPY FOR HIM , FOR REAL I AM. THAT SOUND WEIRD RIGHT? CAUSE I USE TO REALLY HAVE SO MUCH HATE ON MY BABYFATHER THAT I COULDNT YELL AT HIM WITHOUT CRYING. BUT I HAVE CHANGED ALOT AND ONLY FOR THE BETTER. I CANT BE MAD AT THE PERSON "WHO IS THE FATHER OF MY FIRST SON" FOREVER. LIFE GOES ON AND ITS TOO DAM SHORT TO HOLD GRUDGES AGAINST PEOPLE FOR SO LONG CAUSE ONE DAY YOU CAN WAKE UP AND THAT PERSON CAN BE COMPLETELY GONE (LIKE DEAD OR FAR AWAY) AND THAN YOU WILL FEEL REALLY SORRY THAT YOU WAS EVEN MAD AT THE PERSON.

SO LIVE AND LOVE YOUR LIFE WITH NO REGRETS. PARTY HARD AND ALL THAT SHIT!!! LOL CAUSE YOU ONLY GET ONE LIFE SO WHY NOT LIVE IT UP?


P.S
-LOL AGAIN JUST IN CASE YALL WAS WONDER "WELL DO HE HAVE OUR SON NAME TATTED ON HIM?" YES HE HAS OUR SON NAME TATTED ON HIM....AND YES HE GOT OUR SON NAME WAY BEFORE HE GOT HER NAME ON HIM...!!!

IM OUT OFF TO READ SOME OF YALL BLOGS SMOOCHES!!!

He Lying

I GOT THIS DUDE AIM SCREEN NAME OUT A CHATROOM. SO I DECIDED TO PM(PRIVATE MESSAGE) HIM CAUSE I WAS GETTING CONFUSED IN THE CHATROOM {EVERYBODY TALKING AT ONCE AND SHIT} AND HE WAS TALKING TO ME IN THERE. IF YOU BE IN CHATROOMS FROM YA SIDEKICK THAN YOU KNOW WHAT I MEAN....CAN YOU BELIEVE THIS DUDE TOLD ME HE WAS 20??? NOW LOOK AT THOSE PICTURES ABOVE. DO HE LOOK FUCKING 20????. TO ME HE LOOK FUCKING 30 OR MAYBE 40. LIKE HOW THE FUCK CAN HE LIE LIKE THAT??????...AND ON TOP OF THAT HE IS FUCKING UGLY. WELL THATS JUST MY OPINION, MAYBE OTHERS THINK HE IS SEXY..BUT DAM HE UGLY AND A LIAR. NOT GOOD AT ALL...

NOW HERE IS THE AIM CONVO WE HAD....


---------------------------------------- 10:46 am ----------------------------------------
ME: Wasssup
swaggablood: You got me first
swaggablood: I was about to pm you
ME: Ooo0
ME: Awww
---------------------------------------- 10:51 am ----------------------------------------
swaggablood: You got pics
ME: Yea
ME: Ladii50swaggin@tmail.com
swaggablood: Take ya away off
swaggablood: Sent
swaggablood: Sent
swaggablood: Swaggaallday@tmail.com
ME: Naw im going to sleep
swaggablood: You got them yet
ME: Naw
---------------------------------------- 11:02 am ----------------------------------------
ME: How old r u?
swaggablood: 20
swaggablood: And you
ME: Ya lying
swaggablood: 1989 oct 7
ME: U look madddddddddddddddddddddddd old
swaggablood: Why I gotta lie 4
swaggablood: Ruff life
swaggablood: How old r you
ME: Uh huh
ME: 20
swaggablood: And you look like you're 17
ME: U look 40
ME: Its good I look young
swaggablood: Wooooooooooow that hurt
ME: Im sorry but seriously u really 20?
swaggablood: Yes
ME: Ok
swaggablood: Fighting all my life group homes jail
ME: Wow...
swaggablood: Yea I know
ME: Ok
---------------------------------------- 11:13 am ----------------------------------------
swaggablood: But your pic are sexy and nice
---------------------------------------- 11:15 am ----------------------------------------
ME: Ya still lying
ME: Thankx
swaggablood: How you figure
ME: Cuz u cant be born in 1989
ME: @ 20
swaggablood: Huh
ME: Nothing....
ME: Forget
swaggablood: Jump year
ME: Later...
swaggablood: If you feel that way that's how you feel
ME: Ok
swaggablood: We can be peoples on aim
ME: I dont converstate wit liars!
swaggablood: Here you go again
ME: Yes I really believe ur lying to me. Ok u say u have no reason to lie but I dam sure wasnt born last night...& wtf is a jump year?
---------------------------------------- 11:23 am ----------------------------------------
swaggablood: Leap year
ME: Wow u a major liar....dammm shawttii leap year is in FEb...& u said ur bday in Oct..ya not a good liar at all...
swaggablood: The who year gets push up didn't you go to school
ME: Yea I went to school....but u just dont sound right.....LIAR!
ME: Goodday!
ME: Bye bye
swaggablood: What ever


NOW CAN YALL BELIEVE THAT SHIT?????......HE IS SUCH A DAM LIAR!!!!!

The way it is

*The Way It Is* I love that reality show and I must watch it everytime it comes on. Even if I already saw a certain episode I will watch it again. YUP imma fein. This show is very emotional, shit be having me in tears half the dam time. For real. Keyshia Cole is the real deal for real because it took alot for her to put her life on the air like that because she proballii knows that its alot of people that go through the samethings as her and her family go through. People can learn alot from that show believe it or not. Its true though....

Now lets talk about the fucking asshead dude that pissed me off while I was watching *The way it is*

My *Available status on aim* said *YAY Keyshia Cole the way it is show is on...so u already know im watching it LoL... Why Neffe got on so much of lip gloss?*........and this asshead dude hits me up (by the way he calls his self YG)..but I call him Bitch or asshead sometimes...

YG:Wat u doin


I ignored him when he said that, so 3 minutes later


YG:H3llO
ME:Doesnt it say wat im doin in my available
YG:How u know I read dat

first off how the fuck he not see it when he go to send me a AIM, his lying ass

ME:Ok
YG:Cuz she a crac head

I assumed he was answering the question in my aim status "Why Neffe got on so much lip gloss?"

ME:No she not watch your mouth
ME:Just because her mom was a crack head doesnt mean she was one

I meant to say "doesnt mean she is one" but he got what I meant I guess

YG:O well dat whole fam nuts
ME:Naw Naw
YG:Yea Yea
YG:Wit all dem kid she a hoe
YG:U heard

Yes it pissed me off that he called Neffe a hoe.

ME:No she not a hoe cuz all her girls got the same father and her son got a different father, maybe if her ex husband(Daughter's Father) would of never cheated maybe her son would of been his.
ME:U gon stop dissin my fam bam

No they not really my family...lol I dont even know wat made me say that

YG:BlAh
YG:BlAh
YG:Dey getting paid off a TV show 4 having a fucced up fam lol

I thought that was very mean of him to say...dont yall think that was mean?

ME:Shut up im not talking to u until 2m leave me alone u piss me off
YG:Wat u gonna do really tho

WTF the fuck he mean what imma do???

ME:U pissing me off.....shut up dam

Well after that last Aim I sent, he finally shut up..THank god..But yeah I kinda think its really mean when people just come out of nowhere and say somebody a crackhead just because somebody else in the person family is or was one. Thats not nice!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!.

So what if Neffe or Frankie or whoever else in Keyshia Cole's family acts krazy or whatever thats them and who they are if people cant expect them for who they are than so thats on them people because Neffe and whoever else will always be themselves. You dont have to be a Crack head to be KRAZY!!!.... People are people and they can act how the fuck they want.Right??. You cant change people remember that.....

And by YG calling her a hoe just uggggghhh got to me because if he feels she is a hoe why he even watching the show?? He must like her right?? And Why the fuck he even worried??

NIGGAHS JUST DONT KNOW WHAT THE FUCK TO SAY OUT THEY MOUTH...

Anyways...That Keyshia's show will always be my favorite, Imma get the DVD too, hopefully somebody buy it for me..lol

Yoooooooooo Keyshia Cole album is off the hook I was listening to it today on her myspace page..Im about to download the album on Ares for $0.00...
Keyshia Cole is a very pretty Lady *No Homo*...She's my Idol...

Im out SmoOchEs!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

New Me

I have changed my cell number, my aim & my tmail. Im planinng on changing alot of more shit too, but I just dont know what else to change. LoL Maybe my hair. Any ideas on what I should change?? I figured I changed my number cause I have men stalkers and I dont want them two bitches I speaked about in my last post to have my cell number anymore, they can just keep the house number it aint like imma answer the phone for them anyways maybe my mom will and she will cuss them out.I know yall like so what the fuck you changed your number??? lol well I always wanted to change my number cause of stalkers(like Ex boyfriends) but never got around to it or whatever so I decided to change it yesterday. Shit somethings need to change. Im leaving the past in the past. I deleted those bitches off my myspace firends list too. Im moving foward they can say what they want,think what they want I DONT GIVE A FUCK...

Oh I changed my tmail cause I got tired of the old one and wanted something new and I changed my aim cause those stalking bitches and niggahs.


Anyways I havent gotten a letter from chris yet, I really think they playing with his dam mail. I hope he got my letters already cause I mailed them like a week ago. *Prison is no where I wanna go* unless I really have to, never know somebody just might really really really piss me off one of these days and I might go to jail for really fucking them up. LoL....Im krazii I know, yall dont have to tell me.

See I admit to myself being kinda krazii sometimes cause Im just that real. Im not ashamed of nothing. I can meet you in one day and just might fart in front of you and say *ewww my bad* lol. I just dont care thats just the way I am. NO SHAME...and Nobody should be ashamed of nothing they do or say because people should be able to accept who you are and if they cant do that than fuck them.

..................

How was yall weekend??? Mines was okay I guess

Awww look at this picture of my son and niece arent they kute??? I just love these kids.....My niece kinda reminds me of myself in that picture. I dont know why but she just do. My mom says she act just like me at times. So sometimes I be like "I act like that??". LoL Cause my niece is off the hook ,mad fresh and grown with a big attitude. Now I know forsho she got that attitude from me. Me and her be fighting and aruging. She be the one crying at the end and saying "sorry auntie but..." There is always a *but* after cause she know she did wrong. I love her with all my heart and I always tell her she can tell me anything cause she really can. And she just turned 8 shit she better tell me every got dam thing. LMAO!

Well thats it for this post....

P.S ..............................
If you want my new aim s/n and dont already have it just drop your s/n here cause Im not posting my new s/n up on here I dont think......NOPE my new aim wont go up here. And if you want my new tmail address its on the side of my page somewhere on the right side. Just look for it..lol

Why Me?

Dam that Smirroff *Green apple* Ice I just had was so tastey!! LoL
~~~~~

My Son's godmother been ignoring me for a couple of days well lets say weeks. I guess she isnt talking to me nomore. But check this out me & her havent had a arguement. So im completely lost on why she ignoring me. I even asked her when she coming to see LiL man she ignored that question. I asked her why she ignoring me she ignored that question also. Like I really dont understand. Like if I did something wrong or some shit which I know I really didnt why cant she be a adult and tell me whats up?? We both adults. She acting childish to me. And guess what im tired of kissing that bitch ass. Fuck her. But I feel she dissing my son because she is his godmother and she dont even ask if he breathing..You know what im not gonna even sweat it. This why I say I hate females cause shit like this. I rather be to myself with no friends. Feel me?

But enough talking abt that dumb ass bitch..

Why the hell Jay texted me today out of no where??...That niggah is just dumb to me...

Him::u wanna eat?

Me::yessssir

Him::well im downstairs how long u gon be?

Me::2O minutes

Him::wow I thought u was dressed already being that u take lil man to daycare in the morning so I guess 2m we can go

Me:: yea I was but I took my clothes off

Him::well I'll hit u up 2m im not waiting for u

Me::ur mean

Him::lol im not mean just keeping it real

Okayyyyyy why in the hell would he text me when he downstairs instead of letting me know when he on his way that he gon take me to get something to eat so I can be ready. Wouldnt that have made sense?? Fuck that niggah he dead ass be wasting my time. That just made me upset cause I was really was hungry lol. Naw but seriously I was. Jay is such a dumb ass for real.....well aleast I think that.

Moving on....~~~~~~~~~~

I kept twisting and turning last night in my bed couldnt sleep so I started thinking about my past and what could be in store for next year and out of no where my dam phone starts ringing *make love in this club* guess who it was?? One of My EX's calling. Can u believe it?? Im like hello what in the hell. He talking about he want me to have his baby & that I know my son was suppose to be his. At first I laughed at him & than I relaized that he was dead ass serious. So I said *your krazii* cause for real he sound krazii and I see he still in love with me or something. Its a reason why he is my EX so I dont know why he asking me to have his baby. *shaking my head* at HIM. Dam he still stuck on me after all these years. WHAT A SHAME! ....well that sucks to be his ass he better just move the hell on cause I aint having his dam baby...

What the hell is wrong with niggahs now a days???

Some niggah on my aim buddy list right? He always hitting me up talking about he want to eat some pussy. So I be like well go eat some. *Can I eat yours??* can you believe he asked me that???. Like what the fuck wrong with him I told him *HELL NO*. He dumb I bet he going around asking females can he eat them out and some of them proballii say yes. *shaking me head*
~~~~~~

Dam smirroff ice got me feeling a little tipsy....whoop whoop

Well thats it for this post smooches!!

Omg

Okay I had a good visit seeing Chris. But I just kept saying OMG!..Yes I was very moody cause I see my friend wanted to be a tag along so my mood swings were krazii if you know what I mean.

I arrived to the prison at 7:15am saturday morning. Got there they ask " am I there for a regular visit or event?" so of cousre I said "event". So I filled out the paper for the stupid event what so ever and gave it back to them so they can check to see if my name was on the list.Than at 8:15am they wanna fucking tell me I gotta have a regular visit cause Mr. Chris is a BOX inmate(they send inmates there when they fight or something) So in my mind im like "WHY THE FUCK YALL AINT TELL ME THIS TO BEGIN WITH". Im like ok whatever so I had to fill out the regular visit paper which was the same as the event visit paper. Really dont make any sense all they had to do was cross out *event* and write *regular* over it but no instead they made me fill out the paper all over again. SMH. Was I mad??? hell fucking yeah. Than the fucking C.O had the nerve to say *sorry miss*. So im having a out burst in my head im like *WHAT THE FUCK I HATE THIS PRISON THEY NEVER KNOW SHIT UNTIL THEY TYPE HIS NAME IN THE DAM COMPUTER WHEN THEY SUPPOSE TO ALREADY HAVE THE SHIT WRITTEN ON PAPER* ...Yes I was highly upset as you can see.Than I kinda calmed down when it was time to go into the visiting area. Get to the visiting room *desk* give them the dam paper and the C.O asks how tall I am???(guess he was tryna make a joke but I wasnt laughing I look mad as hell). Im saying to myself *WHAT THE HELL DOES THIS HAVE TO DO WITH MY VISIT???? *I respond *im 4'9* and Went to the assigned seat they gave me.

Finally Chris gets to the Visting room and the C.O tell him the rules. This the shit that makes me mad WHY THE FUCK IS HE SO DAM LOUD???. Is it needed for him to be yelling the dam rules at him??...HELL NO. Well aleast I dont think so. Tryna embrassing inmates in front of they family and shit. So un fucking kool. Okay Chris hugs me or whatever and he says "baby I need you to sit across from me cause they feining hard" So I sat across from him which I knew I would have to Cause the chair was across from him but when I first got there I moved the chair next to his chair just to try the luck. But no luck thanks to the dickhead C.O. I had to move the chair back to where it was "across from him" In front of him with the dam table in between us.....SUCKS LIKE SHIT!!!!!.....

My stomach was hurting I was just saying OMG. I started crying and shit. Chris was explaining to me why he in the box. The C.O set him up by putting a razor on him. Dumb ass C.O's I swear. They sending his mail out late and shit. REading it too. They know he have a possiblity of coming home so they want to fuck it up by throwing shit in his locker or whatever. Thats a dam shame. They so fucked up. OMFG I HATE CORRECTION OFFICERS. Chris was unable to find out when he come home cause they put him in the box so they said wait to see if he beat the ticket. In other words wait to see when monday comes to see if the razor was really his or not. Which I believe wasnt his. Come on I dont think Chris will have a razor on him or what so ever when he be crying to come home and shit. SMH...Man C.O's are grimey.

Well I was suppose to blog saturday night when I got home but guess what I aint get home until this morning at 12:41am cause of the dam bus door broke. SMH so sad..You should of saw how upset I was but glad I got home when I did cause it could of been later than that....

Well when I find out when Chris coming the hell home I will let yall know forsho..

OMG free is what he need!!!

This it for this post. Im out Smooches!!!

Time Flys

Yes I put box braids back in my hair. LoL I just couldnt help it. I got tired of my regular hair. Yeah I get tired of it pretty fast. Wonder how long I keep these braids in. Proballii more than two weeks I know that Cause I love when my hair red and black instead of just plain ol black.

Wow I cant believe its December already. Feels like I clapped my hands and November just disappeared. I cant believe it. Dam time need to slow down.

I havent heard from Chris yet since I wrote that last post so I dont know whether he coming home in April or not. But when I find out I will be sure to let yall know whats up. Well Im leaving to go see him on saturday morning around 1:00am so I would know whats up and I will do another post saturday night when I come back. Ok? Hopefully they letting him come home in April for real.

Right now Im feeling so sick I keep runing back and fourth to the bathroom. OMG I cant take this. This morning I throw up. Just ughhh...I know TMI(too much info) lol well sorry. This morning I took lil man to school and back in my bed I went until it was time for me to pick him up. I dont like being sick and Im pretty sure nobody else does. Shit sucks. Hope I feel better tomorrow though. Its krazii cause I aint have my Tv on all I just turned it on when I came back from getting lil man. I aint wanna move today I just felt so lazy and weak.

Do yall remember back in a few posts I talked about a dude name *Jay*. Well guess what??...his ass texted me today. He said: *yo what up how u?* I started to say *my name aint fucking yo now beat it*,But I just replied *Im good* and than after that he aint text back. I hope he wasnt waiting for me to ask how he doing cause I honestly dont give two shits how he doing. Im mean I just cant help it. LoL.

Im hoping this month be as good as last month. Cause I had a ball last month. Well this month I proballii have a ball to cause Christmas Hoilday. I love that hoilday. Just seeing people face expressions when they open the gift I got them brightens up my day. Already did my Christmas shopping on tuesday. Hopefully I get some nice gifts on christmas.

Im still stuck in a deep gaze because before you know it its gonna be 2009. WOAH Time is really really really flying. Dam....

Well this it for this post cause im tired of typing now...Smooches!!

Depressing

I have just gotten off the phone with Chirs not too long ago. I cried. Sometimes I get the *cries* when I hear his voice cause I just want him near me. Its Sad. Im missing him like krazii. Really in need of him. **TEARS**

Well Chris is suppose to be coming home next year*2009* in April sometime. On Dec 2nd ((which is Tuesday)) is when he go to see the people who determine if he come home next year April or not. He says he is nervous...Well shit im more nervous for him(I aint tell him that) thats another reason why I was crying on the phone with him.

All sorts of questions was popping up in my head like......What if he have to do more time??, Will I still hold him down??.......

Im praying and hoping they let him come home in April cause to tell yall the truth I dont know what the fuck I would do if they give him more years. LOSE MY DAM MIND probalii..

Dam its krazii I dont even know what else to say right now. I cant even cry nomore tears because I cried them all out. Just being strong and patiently waiting for Tuesday to get here. I dont want to be with nobody else but him. Yes the love I have for him is that strong. I couldnt even imagine myself with the next niggah.

I dont think I have nothing else to say in this post cause im deep thinking about Chris and wondering about the the good or bad news I might get on tuesday....

Thankful & Happy

My Thanksgiving was popping. Had so many plates I lost counts. LoL I was being greedy cause the food was banging shit....How was yall Thanksgiving?????...Good I hope...

I was so happy & thankful on thangsgiving it was amazing....

Im Thankful for.................

First.....My Mom & Dad (Rest in peace Daddy) Wish he could of been here for thangsgiving.
I love my parents without them I wouldnt be here today.

Second............My Pride and joy, the reason I breathe My LiL MaN Daquan. I love him more than anything and anybody in this world. More than life itself...

And Im also thankful and happy to have my family and my true friends in my life. Without them being there for me I dont know what I would do. I love them all, they are the best!!!

So what are yall thankful for??

Well thats it for this blog pretty short huh??? lol I know...

Feeling GoOd

So yesterday after I wrote that post *Ughh Tuesday* or whatever. I decided to take my braids out. Only had them in for 10 days but I just felt that my hair needed to breath and be washed. Now my hair feels OMG great like I just relieved mad stress. Kinda feel brand new. Here it is 2:05am and Im still up. I guess cause I just got finished blow drying my hair. Heyyyy do yall like the picture above???. LoL well its okay to me. Yeah thats how my hair look now after being washed and blowed dryed. Yes I did all that myself. Even took out my own braids....

Anyways Wild 'N Out is on right now. Its kinda funni but I think they are RERUNS. Not sure though. Cause I only watch this once in a blue moon......

Dam Im really missing Chris, Im suppose to be going to a christmas event at the prison on Dec 6th. Hopefully I get money before than and go christmas shopping and be able to pay my carfare to go see him. Im praying I do cause I really need to tell him some shit face to face and I dont think writting it in a letter is the best way. I would tell yall about it but I cant its personal and doesnt have anything to do with me. And I dont like to talk about other peoples personals unless they say so or it involves me. Yall understand right????...................GoOd!!

Okay moving along............

Who watches that new reality show called Brothers to Brutha? It comes on right after Keyshia Coles reality show which I love so much. WEll anyways that Brothers to Brutha show is kinda too REALITY LoL.They be fighting,crying and shit. Yesterday that show brought tears to my eyes seriously cause the brothers was expressing how they feel to their father and they started crying and so did I. Yeah once again if you aint know IM EMOTIONAL.

I think im getting sleepy so imma end this post here!!

Question:::::Was this a long or short post to yall??

Ughh Tuesday

Today seem so lame and boring as hell. It was just one of those *UGHHHH days* For real it was.

This morning I woke up like What the Fuck cause I looked out the window and It was raining. And today just was the day my LiL MaN had his Clinic/doctor apointment. Well his appointment was for 1:30 pm. So as Im waiting for time to hit around 12noon Im thinking in my head *Hope it stop raining cause my lil man has no plastic for his stroller*.

Okay 11:30am hits and my momz comes to me and says "I be back". MIND YOU she has to give me money to take LiL MaN to the clinic. So I say okay where you going? Do you think you be back before 12:30? She answers "Yeah I should be Im going arcoss the street to fine fare(Supermarket) and if not you just come get the $4 for the metro card". She could of just gave me the $4 than but she claimed she had to get it from the ATM so im like okay whatever fits.

So around 12noon I start getting me and LiL Man dressed and ready. I dont live far from the clinic its only two stops away on the train but I need a etra 10 mintes to walk to the train. Sooooooo I was done getting us ready at 1pm, Momz still wasnt back from the supermarket. I headed out and thank god she was down stairs in front of the building talking on her dam pay as you go cell phone. LoL. Thank god its wasnt raining at that time so I Scooped up the $4 and was on my way to the clinic well thats what I thought at that momment.

I gets down the block from my house and I realized I left his dam IMMUNIZATION book in the dam house. Called up my mom and said bring me his Immunization book down stairs and started walking back towards my house. So my moms friend comes downstairs with MY(not quans) immunzation book. Im looking at it and than say I told her QUANS not mines(so he took it back to my moms). LoL so ya know I called my mom like WTF are you okay? I said Quans book not mines. She like "well shit latoya you said immunzation book im tired". So I explained LOUDER now." QUANNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNN immunzation book". And she goes "ok" . I guess she wasnt focus cause she just came from food shopping and was tired. All I could do was laugh at her. Ok mom friends comes back down with Quan book and a unbrella shoot how ever you spell the shit.

I started walking back towards the train station and it starts drizzling. IM like "omg Quan you have no plastic poor baby so keep this blanket on you ok". LoL he gave me a look like "you talking to me ? yeah ok ma"...Thankx god it wasnt rainging hard cause he would of been soaked and wet and I would of been highly upset. I have to get him a plastic for his stroller ASAP.

Well I got to the clinic at 1:41..Just a few minutes late. They never call you on your exactly appoinment time anyways. Which really sucks for real. I really dislike that too. Whats the use of having a time if they not gon see you on that time?? get what im saying??..Took them forever to call him so he can get weighted and measure by the nurse. Than had to be called by the doctor which that took extra longer. "UGHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH" just kept saying that the whole time in that clinic and plus I was hungry too. Quan ate before we left home but not me.

Kids was just runining around crying and shit and Quan was just staring at them like WTF. I was saying in my head "Quan you better not act up"....But after a hour sitting in there he started getting cranky and wanting to cry. Finally the doctor calls his name. "About time" I said. Goes to the doctors room and Quan start being bad in there touching shit "omg just ughhhhh" I said stop and popped him about 3 or 4 times but nope he still kept doing it . So I strapped him right in his stroller. LoL that aint work either. So I yelled stop one good time and he looked at me with a "shy face"...like I hurt his feelings or something. Than he wanted to sit on my lap....lol


After coming out the doctors lil room or office or whatever you wanna call the crap. We had to wait again for the nurse to give him a FLU shot...just "ughhhhhhhhhhhhh". I guess cause I was hungry I was kinda moody. Well IDK......

Well after another 15 minutes passed the nurse calls him and gives him his shot which mad my dam baby cry awwwww and off to make another appointment( for when he turn 2) at the desk which took another 10 minutes. OMG at this time I wanted to cry cause I was so hungry.....LOL my greedy as I knowssssssssssssss.....

Finally back home made me two eggs and cheese sandwiches and those shits was banging frizzle fucking good. Of course I shared with Quan who doesnt like bread so I had to give him some eggs out the sandwich. lol but I kept tryna make him bite the sandwich but he kept spitting the bread out. He makes this weird face when eatting bread...Like its yuck. lol its only bread...

Well imma end this blog with some pictures



I just love taking pictures of my lil man he is just so handsome. I love me some him!! yup yup!!

Ex Boyfriends

First off I really dont understand them. For Real I dont. Isnt it a reason why they get the title *EX BOYFRIEND*??? Yes its a reason.....Why do they seem to wanna come back in your life some how or some way??? OMG!!!!

So Okay I have this EX BOYFRIEND right. His name is Duke but I call him Dukiie. LOL kinda sounds nasty. I knowssssss. But anyways its like he is mad at me cause I have moved on but I dont understand why he mad. When me & him was together I had fallen in love with him like WOAH. Use to tell him I love him and shit and his response use to always be *AWWWW* like on some tryna play me type shit. So I felt he basically left me hanging.

So hell yeah I moved on. And now all of a sudden he wanna confess to me on how he love me and always loved me just didnt want to tell me cause he was afriad of getting heart broken and shit like that. I DONT UNDERSTAND, Or maybe I do understand just a little.

If that was the case why he just didnt be real with me and tell me that when I first told him I loved him. That would of probalii helped alot cause we probalii could still be together but nope he messed it all up by making me feel like shit.

Now he tryna make me feel bad or whatever. So I apoligized to him from the kindness of my heart cause he feels hurt that I moved on. But I see it like this it was all his doing. He left me hanging all the times I expressed myself to him all I ever got was a frizzle fucking *AWWWWW*and that made me feel like I wasnt worth his time or what so ever . So my heart told me to move on so thats what the frizzle fuck I did. I always listen to my heart no matter what cause sometimes your mind play tricks on you. Get what im saying??

The part that got me is that when me and him was together we NEVER I mean NEVER kissed but we had SEX. To me that felt strange cause he never even attemped to kiss me But I did kiss him on his cheeks a couple of times to give him a hint that I wanted our lips to meet but nope it never happened. NO tongue action NO NOTHING but straight up SEX. Dont get the wrong idea the SEX was popping NO LIE. I liked it.

Im willing to be friends with Dukiie but this whole him wanting me back aint gon happen. DEAD ASS! If he dont want to be my friend than I dont know what else to tell him and Im dam sure aint gon stress it. Feel me?

*Its somebody out there for everybody* So he better move on and find that somebody. Not tryna sound cold hearted or anything like that but its life. I still got love for shawttii but not that relationship type LOVE. Yall should get what Im saying.....


P.S............

Frizzle---Oh thats just some weird word I made up...LMAO dont mind me I come up with some weird words sometimes......

Oh Yeah before yall go I want yall to check out my Besite Tasha Blog page she just joined.....She need readers!!

Update

Hey Everyone..

Missed me from posting??. Well maybe not cause I havent been nowhere. I just been reading and commenting people blogs. Just aint been writting none of my own. Ya see? And if I havent read some of yall NEW blogs dont worry im getting around to it. Trust me. Cause I love to read.


At this moment Im just missing my lil man Quan he been gone since Thrusday (11-20-08) yeah he went with his daddy than his daddy let him go with his grandfather so he's with his grandfather right now he be back tomorrow..UGGGHHH I really miss him. Thrusday he took School(DAycare) Pictures. He looked so handsome. He was kinda shy too when the lady was talking to him. AWWWW thats my baby. Well when the pictures come back I will post them up here.

Here are some pictures from thrusday when we were at the daycare center.


*LoL he look like he about to fall in this picture*
*Yup kisses to my LiL Man* *Me and My BAbyfather..He wanted to take this picture but as you can see I really didnt mind lol (Proud Parents of LiL MaN)*


Anyways enough with the pictures.....

Its fucking brick outside (Brooklyn, NY)...Dam I use to like the winter time but now I dont think I like it anymore. The coldness makes me sleepy but dam why it gotta be sooooooooooooo cold???..I rather summer than this cold shit. For real. Today I went outside once too many times when I told myself I wasnt going outside. Shame on me!!!!!!!!!. My mama always want me go somewhere for her like I got a fucking car or some shit. WHAT THE FUCK. While she sit in the house and do nothing. But since I had a good long nap today and when I woke up I was kinda bored so I went to my aunt and sister house's for some food so that my mama can cook it on thanksgiving. Out of the kindness of my heart cause I could of told her "hell no go yourself" which I really wanted to but I knew that wouldnt be nice and plus I wanna eat on thanksgiving. Than after coming from my aunt and sister house's came back in the house and dropped the food off than had to go back out in the cold to go to the store...YES so thats why I say I been outside once too many times...................

Thank god Thanksgiving almost here cause IM HUNGRY for some TURKEY!!!

Than comes Christmas, next New Years.......................Watch how time flys!!!

Time already go by fast. Half the dam time I cant remember what the hell I did the day before or something like that. SHit Time need to slow down. Before I know it my LiL MaN Qaun gon be 18.......LoLWith his bad ass. Telling people "Leave me alone*, *stop*, *no*, *mine*, *give me*, and his favorite word is *HUH*when you call him. And sometimes he would just be so fucking stubborn when you call him he would just stand there and say *HUH NO*. bAd ass right? Thats why I be popping his lil ass. I dont play that......Glad he knows how to say *thank you* when something is giving to him though. I teach him to have manners at all times. Yup cause I know some parents and they kids have no dam manners. I be like OMG WHAT THE FUCK SAY THANK YOU DAM.......................


Ending this blog cause I have to read others and plus im watching *Dairy of a mad black woman* Whoop Whoop this is one of my favorite movies.

Quote::*Never let a man pay for another mans mistake*
~If you watched Dairy of a mad black woman than you know what I mean by the quote~

Thoughtful Day

Yup thats me in that picture above what you think??. I know yall proballii like didnt I just cut my bangs??. LOL yup and now im back on my Box Braids shit. I dont really like having my hair out in the winter time. Why wear it out when the wind gon just mess it up and have it blowing every dam where ??. Cause shit I dont like wearing hats. LMAO! I only wear them sometimes or maybe I would where a scarf.

Well moving on to.........................

Today wasnt a good day for me at all and still isnt. I only went outside once today and that was to go mail Chris letter. Than I come back home from the mailbox and momz talking about she want me to go to the store. I looked at her like she was fucking krazy cause why didnt she tell me go to the store while I was out there??. Sometimes she just dont use her dam brain at all. Did I go to the store for her? Hell no and plus it was too dam cold for me to go back out there. Winter is really here. I got so much on my mind. I caught myself in a deep day dream today. I was day dreaming about all the times I had with my father (r.i.p daddy). I miss him so much. Its so hard at times you cant even imagine.

It seemed so long today. I guess cause I aint have nothing to do. Sucks to be me on sundays.
You ever sit and think about your pass and the things you wish you could of changed?? Well I think about my pass sometimes. I try paying attention focusing on my future but sometimes I just get stuck and start thinking about my pass and shit. Like my babyfather(he's doing good by our son now) for example. Today I was thinking about him. A question popped up in my head for him but I dont want to make it seem like I want him back or anything like that cause I dont. Its just a question that need to be answered I think or maybe im over reacting. Shit I dont know whats wrong with me. All I really want to know "was it worth us breaking up??"

So you know I went and hit my babyfather up on aim without even thinking about how he can hurt my feelings cause he very good at that shit. What the hell!

Me-I gotta ask u something

Him-yea

Me-was it worth us being apart? just curious

Him-yea

Me-for real

Him-i guess so

Me-wat u mean u guess so?

Him-idk

Me-oh ok y u think it was worth it?

Him-idk

Me-wat do u know

Him-cuz it made us breathe

Me-really

Him-yea

Me-y it made us breathe?

Him-We was around each other 2 mucc


Glad he answered my Question though. That niggah aint the same person like when we first met. He changed alot. So much I dont know who he is anymore. One minute he act like a nice guy and next minute he a mean guy. Not the innocent guy I once knew. But oh well long as he doing for our son now like he was suppose to been doing long time ago I dont care how he act. LoL

Anteeways..................................................

I also thought about my FIRST today. Yes the Niggah I lost my virginity too. His name is Leon. Its just krazy. Cause when I lost my virginity to him,I was already in a relationship with somebody else. But he didnt know that so me and Leon became a couple also. Guess you can say I was tryna be a player. Shoot I was young I aint no any better. What made me lose it to Leon? Cause like in my eyes he was that niggah for me for real he was. He was always around me and treated me like a lady. He is related to my bestfriend. So yeah thats pretty much why he was always around. So one day the shit just happened. I was 15 when I lost my virginity. And it dam sure felt good LOL. Why so young? Shit I dont know I was horny and hated the feeling so I had to do the dam thing. Now lets get to the other dude that I was in a relationship with at the time when I lost my virginity. Aint gon put his name out there so imma just call him "Lame"but his ass was always on lock down need a say more??. So my ass fell for Leon even more cause he showed me more attention. Krazy part is they ended up finding out about each other. Yup. Cause Lame popped up on my block while I was with Leon. And my ass ran. LMAO thats not funni though. So I ran behind my momz and she like why you running than she saw why I was running. Yeah she knew I was tryna be a player. But I should not have ran cause they ended up sitting right next to each other and thats how my dumb ass got caught. Did my mom know I lost my virginity at that time? Nope I aint tell her into I felt like it. I told her when I turned 17 and she was kinda mad and wonder why I aint tell her when it happened. Shoot so she can kill me lol I was only 15. Anteeways back to what I was saying...................

Yes I was in relationship with both of them(Leon and Lame) and I had to let one of them go and that person I let go was Leon. And than evenutally me and Lame broke up too. I learned a lesson out of all of that. Shit I was tryna be a player but aint know what the hell I was doing. But I do know one thing I should of stayed with Leon not only cause I lost my virginity to him but cause we had something special and I should of not cheated on Lame I should of just broke up with him thats all even though I loved him.Truth be told I loved both Lame And Leon. Some people say you cant love two people. But Yes you can cause I dam sure did.I loved Leon cause he was always there for me and treated me like a lady and I loved Lame because he had a good mind and personality. So why did I cheat on Lame?? Shit I dont know I was young and dumb minded and it seemed like me and him wasnt gon never do the dam thing anyteeways cause of his dam father with the lock down shit but I should of still waited right? YUP. Dam I fucked up. But aleast I can admit to it.

As I type this im talking to Leon now. krazy right? . I said sorry for hurting him and he says he forgives me but I know he will never forget that day cause I know I cant. I caught myself crying a couple of times cause I felt bad cause I hurt him and he really did love me and I loved him too. And Lame I hurt him too by cheating on him and he loved me deeply but well shit happens and people make mistakes. Lesson Learned "dont be a player if you dont know how". Yes me and lame still keep in contact also.


Imma end this blog here cause I dont want to go too deep into my pass. Feel me? and plus I wanna talk to Leon. LoL Im responding to him on aim like every two to four minutes cause im typing this blog..

SMOOCHES!!!

Cant tell me shit

AS SOME OF YALL MAY KNOW I TURNED THE BIG 2O YESTERDAY WHICH WAS NOV 12TH. I HAD A LIL DINNER/PARTY IT WAS SO POPPING. I LOVED IT! IT WAS A VERY WONDERFUL DAY. I WAS FUCKING TWISTED OFF THAT GREY GOOSE & SOME OTHER SHIT MY MOMZ MADE. I REALLY ENJOYED MYSELF THOUGH. YAY!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! IM HYPE CAUSE IM 2O NOW. LOL CANT WAIT TO I HIT 21. BUT NAW I DONT WANT TIME TO GO TO FAST. IT FEELS GOOD NOT TO BE IN THE TEENS NOMORE. CANT NOBODY TELL ME SHIT. YA HEARD?? I HAD A GOOD BIRTHDAY THOUGH.

**THANK YOU TO ALL THE PEOPLE THAT WISHED ME A HAPPY BIRTHDAY**

HERE ARE SOME PICTURES

*UP CLOSE AND PERSONAL*

*DIDNT I LOOK FLY?*

*LOL MY FEET WAS HURTING*

*I JUST HAD TO TAKE A FLICK IN THE HALLWAY HEHEHE*
WELL I GOT MORE PICTURES ON MY MYSPACE PAGE. YOU SHOULD GO CHECK THEM OUT AND COMMENT THEM TOO. LMAO THANKXXX. I HAD STUPID FUN ON MY BIRTHDAY THOUGH. YALL SHOULD OF BEEN THERE. WELL MAYBE NEXT TIME!

THIS IS IT FOR THIS BLOG!

NOW DONT FORGET TO COMMENT MY PICTURES ON MYSPACE..LMAO GESH I KNOW I KNOW IM FEENING! LOL JUST HYPE CAUSE I TURNED 2O!!!!

Life Changing

Okay first off imma start with "Awww my lil man Quan went with his father yesterday(friday)". LoL he be back tomorrow(sunday) though. I miss him too!..Yup his Father is growing up being a man now. Wonder how long this will last though. Thank god though cause he needed to.

Anteeways....

Well I went and visited my man Chris. Had a great visit with him. Dam I miss him already. Just praying he come home soon. Yup I had to go see him before my birthday(Nov 12th). Well *OUR* birthday cause me and him got the same birthday. Which is in 4 days from now. AWW whoop whoop I cant wait.

I cant believe imma be the big 2O. Can you believe it?? Am I getting old??? Hell yeah Im getting old but shoot im still kute lol ok let me stop being conceited. I thank god for each one of these days. As days go by it seems like my life is changing but I just dont know how but it is. I can feel it. Maybe its cause im turning a different age this year. Well whatever it is. I feel myself changing. People are even changing the way they act towards me. I dont know why though. But its nothing cause I really dont need friends no ways all I need in this life is my LiL Man thats about it. I know who my real friends are and I know who arent my real friends. So if a niggah or bitch aint my friend at the end of the day, guess what ?? I still got my fucking son at the end of the day and thats all that matters to me.

Moving on...

For last couple of days I havent been reading anybodoy blogs or have I? (cant remember) well SORRY about that. Just been out of it. Shit on my mind tryna get on my grind with a job. Speaking of *job*. That UPS interview I had went well and it was hella long too. ShIIT!!. But I dont know if I got the job yet though. Well I will keep yall posted on that though. Something need to happen *like I hit the lottery* so I can start christmas shopping for my lil man. I love shopping for christmas for him. So fun! I sound like a kid.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Right now Im sitting here typing this shit bored out my mind HELP ME. Ughh this sucks. I feel like imma spaz on somebody just because I know I can and have a mouth to do so LoL . Naw but seriously. People just love pissing me off some how. I know they say *dont let people get to you* well I just cant help it. Cause if somebody say something or do some shit I dont like im gonna get upset. I just will stop talking to the person for mad long or just be mean to them every time they speak to me thats all. Common sense *dont do or say shit that will make someone mad*. So why do people piss me off if at the end they know imma be mad. I honestly think they do it on purpose.

*********************************

I demand respect feel me?

I see in this every day world that some people dont respect each other. Which I wonder why THOUGH? I respect those who respect me. I dont like when people come at me side ways or try to judge me based on my appearance or whatever. *Never judge a book by its cover* I always keep that quote in my mind. When people judge me I can always prove them wrong. Which makes them look so stupid in the long run.


well ending this blog here cause I have to go read yall blogs! SMOOCHES!!!!

These Days

Yesterday was whack and so is today. Dam it really be boring now a days for me I guess cause I dont have a job which I really need. Well yesterday I went to the store and back in the house. Still kinda shakey about that Blood initiation which they was saying was suppose to go on all weekend. So yesterday I wasnt tryna go out my Hood (area). Feel me? So yup so I only went across the street and back in my dam house. I also applied for UPS seasonal job(Driver Helper), I have a interview on Wednesday. Hopefully I get the job. IM PRAYING I DO.

Well for these last couple of days I been having like so much on my mind. My mood swings been going krazy. I guess cause every hour somebody say or do something to piss me off. FUCK YO WHY THEY CANT PISS SOMEBODY ELSE OFF. Oops my bad for the out burst. LoL. Like I was saying I been thinking about alot like my life and my future and stuff like that. I wonder where imma be when I turn 25????. That question is always in my mind. Well hopefully I have a good ass job thatt pays very well and my own apartment and shit like that.

I aint tryna live with my mama forever. Hmmm that just aint gon work out. We dont always be on the same page and shit. And sometimes she just annoys me so much I be ready to pack up me and Quan shit and leave. But I always be like where imma go?? LoL. I could go to my sister house but no that wouldnt make any sense to me. Why move from somebody else apartment to move to another persons apartment when you can just get your own dam apartment right?? Cause basically if my sister annoys me or something like that(which I know she wouldnt do but im just saying) I will be ready to leave there too. So thats why I say it wouldnt make any sense to me. Well until I get a job and save up money to get my own apartment me and Quan is stuck in my mama house.

$219.55....Thats how much my phone bill is. Dam its alot to me cause I have no job. Well thats what happens when you let the bills pile up. Im surprise T-mobile aint turn my phone off yet. LoL Cause if you a T-mobile customer you know how they are. PLAY NO GAMES when they want they money. So yeah I didnt pay September's bill which was 119.18 and was due on October 13th, cause I aint have no money like always. My money went to all my son needs which is very good. Back of my mind was saying fuck T-mobile child comes first. So I asked my mom can she pay it or whatever but she didnt. So when my bill came for October($100.37) which is due November 13th they made sure they added the 119.18 to the bill. So thats how it all came to $219.55. LoL Your lost??? Let me break it down shorter than $100.37 plus $119.18 equals $219.55. If you still dont get it or whatever than I dont know what to tell you. LOL !!

Right now im just so bored not so much is on my mind now. Just wishing and praying I get a job soon. For real. Cause shoot im struggling. Tomorrow my uncle gotta give me some money so I can pay my bill and get some other stuff that I need. WHOOP WHOOP my birthday in 10 days I cant wait. Im having a dinner/party. Its gon be popping (wow I sound so hood saying the term *popping* LoL ) . You already know imma get drunk. Well im really feining for the food that my mama is going to cook for me and my friends. Shoot Im skinny I need food lol but my friends call me greedy. Naw I just love to eat thats all. When Im angry at a person and they bring me some food im all cheerful again LoL.

I cut my bangs today. Thank god cause they were pass my nose and I wasnt feeling that so I chopped them shits. And yes I cut them myself. I wasnt gon go to the hair salon or let somebody else do it. Cause what if they would of messed up?? I would of been so upset with them. So I decided if I do it myself I wouldnt mess up cause I would know how I want my bangs to look. And Guess what it came out nice. I love my bangs now.


**Here are some pictures that I took today**

Arent my bangs kute???..Well I think so
I kinda look sad in this picture below right?? . I dont know why though
Awww look at me and my LiL Man Quan..Without him I dont know where I would be!!
Thats it for this blog imma stop typing here cause I need some food in my system (greedy me I know LoL) and plus I wanna read some of yall blogs. SmOoChEs!!

Im brave

WARNING::AS I TYPE THIS I AM DRUNK SO PLEASE EXCUSE ANY MISSPELLED WORDS OR WHATEVER....

Well I guess you can say imma little brave cause I decided to go trick or treating after all. I was sitting in the house all day even cried cause I was so dam scared. Everytime I turned around I was getting a IM(aim) saying how many girls got stabbed up and shit. OMG it was so scary. Than im saying to myself if I go outside its like im putting my life on the line. So Im like you know what fuck it cause I want some dam candy and I want my son to have a fun halloween and im not tryna stay in this house. But a hour before I left my house I wrote this poem...

Title:My Halloween Poem

Scared to go outside wit just my son alone
So scared that I believe my life just can end over some bullshit
Scared to think that everything will be just fine cause I know it wont
Not only am I scared of wat could happen to me im also scared of wat can happen to others
Scared to stop my heart from shaking and crying
Never been this scared before
Im so scared I dont think I can even be brave and go trick or treatin
This blood initiation shit really got me shook
They giving themselves gifts for there birthday 2day and it is to see "woman bleed to death and die"
I cant be nothing else other than be SCARED.
They taking people, Sisters, Mothers, Grandmothers, and shit.
How can I not be scared when they taking innocent people lives
Im so scared I just wanna pack my shit and move somewhere so far away but never know if I do that I just might not make it as far as I wanna go cause of this blood initiation shit
So I end this note with some tears and a question "why they gotta hurt innocent people"??


What yall think of that poem?? Everything I spoke on was how I felt. When im scared I will never play like im brave and hard and shit

Back to what I was saying....hmmmm oh yeah well me, my son and my annoying mother all went trick or treating. It was okay I guess saw alot of people dressed up and shit like that. I was still scared when I got outside. I kept looking around. Yup I was playing close attention to my surroundings cause I was out there where it wasnt safe. Shoot no where you go is safe. Its krazy people all over the world so you never know where they at.

That blood initiation aint no joke I cant believe how shook(scared) I was to go outside. I even carryed a little box cutter with me like that shit would of did something but it would of been worth a try if a niggah would of jumped in my face or some shit.. Well as we was walking down this street in BK called court street the cops were flying by with they lights on so I already knew something had went wrong so I kinda got more scared. After we was done going store to store for candy we just got on the bus and went on to my aunt house and chilled for a few hours.

HAHA now you know the reason to how im drunk now. LOL cause my aunt had ALIZE at her house knowing ALIZE is my bestfriend LoL. I would drink that before I drink anything else. Hmmm You know I couldnt resist but to have a few cups of ALIZE haahah and now im drunk. All good though. Wow and I know I said I wasnt gon drink nomore until my birthday(the 12th). DAM well shoot that ALIZE bottle was calling my name. It was saying "toya you know you want me" lol. And I couldnt even front.

Imma end this blog here cause im still drunk and I need to sleep this shit off.
W3rd im out...**SmOoCheS**

Halloween Oh No

First off I wanna say "Happy Halloween to everyone"

Today is not such a happy day for me. I didnt take my son to daycare because im too scared to even go outside because the BLOOD INITIATION. Yes im really scared. Even though this shit goes on every year and I was never scared before well shit I am now its 2008 shit change every year and plus they talking about it(blood initiation) on the news so I believe this shit is serious. Im not sure if imma take my son trick or treating today but if I do pray for me. For real. Im really shook. I was reading this webstie http://nyctheblog.blogspot.com/2008/10/violence-expected-in-east-harlem.html


Yes you should click on the website for yourself and see what im talking about if you dont already know. Trust me its not just a rumor, Its the truth. Its said that people who want to be initiated into the gang must each kill 31 women (women of all ages) in drive by shootings. You see that WOMAN? They only killing woman. Thats the sad part and im not tryna say they should kill men too but shoot they shouldnt be killing NOBODY!!!

Like come on these woman can be or are somebody's Grandmother, Granddaughter, Goddaughter, Daughter or sister etc. DAM MAN !!!!

Thats why im so scared and im not tryna put my life at risk by going outside for some dam candy. But maybe later I will feel different and change my mind cause I want my son to get some candy and have fun and shit.

What the fuck is the world coming to???
It feels like its coming to a dam end. Its all fucked up and turning in a direction in which it shouldnt turn to.

All this killing and shit needs to come to a end. Somebody need to stop these gangs for real. When Obama speak on the term CHANGE hopefully this will all stop righT??? or No because nobody is brave enough to stop them??

As I type this those gang bangers are proballii out there killing woman right now. Which is sad but like I said its truth especially if shit was on the news. They suppose to be doing it all day. I cant believe this shit. I dont know why they want to be so cold hearted just to be down or whatever. Yes im pretty much shook up about this shit. I wonder how they parents are gonna feel when they find out that they son or daughter have killed somebody. Yes there are some blood females. SHOOT I wonder how they feel about they son or daughter being in this dam GANG shit period. Its not hard to spot a BLOOD memeber out.

Well imma end this blog here cause I cant even think straight. So if I do decide to go outside or whatever I will be sure to look at my surroundings. Cause this shit is not a joke. Make sure to watch the news to see whats going on today in this cold ass world and google "blood initiation" and I hope you clicked on the link above.

im out...**Be Safe**

Love being Mommy

I will never forget when being a mommy really started.

March 23, 2007

-It was around 3pm well im not really sure what time it was but I know it was a friday. I didnt go to school(Plaza College) that day because I didnt feel like going & plus I woke up late and my class started at 10am. I dont know why my mom didnt wake me but kinda happy she didnt. Well anteeways I was watching TV and all of sudden I had to pee cause the baby was going hard on my bladder. REAL hard, shit felt mad weird. So I went to the bathroom and when I got in the bathroom I saw a drop of blood in my underwear (ewww I know) So the first thought that came to my mind was "OH NO I HOPE I AINT LOSE MY SON". (I dont know why I thought that but I knew I wasnt having a misscarrige it was just that I was nervous a little I aint know what to think). I started yelling for my mommy.

Mom-What you yelling like that for?

Me-Look (I showed her my underwear)

Mom-Wanna go to the hospital?

Me-No wait a while


So I went and layed down so something told me call my babyfather just in case being that he was in job corp upstate at the time I would have to call and let him no whats going on so they can send him home or whatever. Im dailing the number to the job corp shit. And I started getting krazy pains so I started screaming. Than my mom called the ambulance. Im thinking to myself what would of happen if I was in school and being that I only got one class on fridays and the school is in Jackson Height Queens?? Dam thank god I stayed home that day. Well anyteeways I aint get no connection to my babyfather.

Well while I was in the ambulance the pains started getting worst. So thats when I realized that those shits was fucking contractions. Soon as we pulled up in front of the ambulance tears started falling down my face. I got settle in the hospital or whatever. I was acting like a baby cause those contractions aint no dam joke. My mommy was looking at me like "you wanted this baby not deal with the pain". I guess she was getting mad cause I was screaming or whatever. But I aint give a fuck cause those shits hurted. Im laying in the hospital bed and all of sudden I had to take a doo-doo so I went and did the dam thing. It hurted everytime I walked. I kept going back to the bathroom every 10 minutes. Its was krazy. So the doctor or nurse who ever the bitch was checked to see if my water broke or something. The bitch poking me asking me do this hurt, do that hurt, so im pushing her hand back and she like stop so I kicked her (LOL) you can just go sticking your dam fingers in my coochie all hard and shit. Than she like my water broke she gotta break the rest of it. OMG and after that contractions started getting worst. I wasnt even counting how far apart they was. I just wanted it to be all over. I was getting upset cause my cell phone aint have no service in the dam hospital. (I should of known)

So my mommy had to leave me in the room all alone to go downstairs to call people and tell them whats going on. She even called my Babyfather and still no connection. Well aleast she called his aunt and let her know.

Hours later.......
They moved me to another room which looked like it could of been a bedroom in someones house. Im looking around like WOW than contractions still coming.

Time seemed to be gonig hella slow
March 24th..2007

Here go my mommy....

Mom-It dont look like you having that baby anytime soon so im going home and im coming back

ME- (cryinig) you leaving me

Mom-Yes im tired and its 1am

Soon as she started putting on her coat the doctors came in so they checked how far apart I was or whatever. The doctor asked me do I feel like I wanna push. Im like UGGGGGGGGGGHHHHHHHHHH NO, Cause he had his hands all in me and shit. My mommy like "is she having the baby tonight??"..LoL they ignored her question. And was like imma have to have a C-section cause it dont look like imma be able to have a natural birth cause the baby might not make it. In other words im too dam small to push. LoL.

At this time my mommy was getting on my last nerves. She like "thats what she wanted". Im saying in my head I thought she was leaving me why she still hear than??..I was just aggravted shoot..Espeacilly cause I couldnt get in contact with my dumb ass babyfather.

A hour later....

They gave me a needle in my back. Did it hurt?? Hell no it aint hurt. It easied the pain for like 20 minutes than my contractions came back. So they gave my mom a gown to put on. And they took me to the room where they give you the C-section at.
So im laying there and they gave me some shit but the shit had me talking out my head. So after they cut me open took the baby out. I started crying not cause of pain cause of the shit they gave me had me going krazy. Im like "i want my baby" all I hear is my mommies voice saying "look " but my eye site was blurry so I couldnt see nothing.

Than they took me to the recovery room. The doctor like "your mother is going home". Im like nooooooooooooooooooo. LOL She like" you need some rest". So at this time my eye site wasnt blurry but I was still going krazy.
I looked at the doctor like she was krazy....

Me-you pregnant?

Doctor-Yes

Me-WOOOOW Did you cut me open?

Doctor-Yes I helped

After that I aint have no words. I just started thinking in my head like ewwwwwwwww how can she look at me cut all open and not throw up being that she pregnant.

**By the way Quan was born at 4:31am 7punds 9ounces** Here are some pictures of him when he was first born. Awww "Tears"


When I woke up they brought him right to me and I was so excited I just couldnt put him down after that. I was feinging. They took us to another room which we had to share with some loud ass lady. OMG she stayed on the dam phone talking about nothing at all. Like her pregnancy went so great. I was hating cause I was still in pain from the staples they had put in me. I couldnt even go to the bathroom like I wanted to they had a tube up my dam coochie so yea thats pretty much how I used the bathroom. EWWW nasty right?? I know.

My mommy arrived. DAM here she go. I knew she was gon brag about how she held him fisrt like I cared LoL well I did care. Im saying to myself if she get on my nerves today with her excited ass imma tell her to go HOME!!!...

HMMMM around 7 or 8 that night my babyfather shows up with his family. OH NO. Why he so dam late like he had to come with them and couldnt come early???. Well anteeways he acted like he was scared to hold Quan maybe cause he didnt know how LoL. But its wasnt hard for him to learn.

Hahha so out of nowhere im saying to myself "I gotta pee" . (I have forgot the tube was in me for a minute so I started pee'n) loL. And my babyfather like well go pee DUH. Im like I am pee'n he looking at me like huh?? than he saw the container on side of the bed and said ewww and moved away from me...LMAOOOOOO that was so funni.

Like hour later his family left and so did my mom thank god. LoL And it was just me, Quan and my babyfather. So we talking or whatever. Babyfather seemed mad happy he just couldnt stop touching Quan. Im like GESH. He like "I had a feeling you was having him"
.................................................

Having Daquan was the happiest day of my life I would never forget the first time I saw him. We shared a bond in our eyes that "we will always be together". And up until this day. ITS TRUE.

I can go on about the days I spent in the hospital for 8 days. YUp 8 days cause I kept catching fevers. I dont know how though. Haha I was gon fuck my babyfather up in the dam hospital. YUP with staples in my belly I was gon choke his ass but instead I just kicked him in his leg. Cause he was getting stupid.

Well anteeways
here is a picture of me and Quan...finally we had our own room in the hospital and aint have to share it with a loud ass lady anymore. LoL Dam I looked a hawt mess in the picture and I had a perm when I went in the hospital. LOL

Since that day Quan was born THATS WHEN I REALIZED MY LIFE WAS HEADING FOR A CHANGE. I WAS SO EXCITED ALL I COULD SAY WAS THANK YOU GOD FOR THE MOST WONDERFUL GIFT.WHEN I WAS PREGNANT PEOPLE WAS LIKE'' ARE YOU SURE YOU READY FOR A BABY'',''ITS HARD'' AND I USE TO SAY I KNOW WHAT IM DOING IMMA BE A GREAT MOTHER AND LOOK NOW IM BEIN MORE THAN A GREAT MOTHER IM BEING A WONDERFUL MOTHER.I LOVE EVERY MOMMENT OF IT. I LOVE CHANGING HIS PAMPERS BECUZ HE JUST BE LAUGHIN SO HARD IT MAKES ME HAPPY, AND I BE LAUGHIN WITH HIM TOO.AT FIRST I USE TO BE LIKE EWWWW CUZ HIS SHIT NO JOKE when hw shit...LOL.AS YOU CAN SEE I LOVE MY SON so MUCH, AND HE IS MY MOST MOTIVATION TO KEEP LIVING MY LIFE TO THE FULLEST.I LOVE HIM MORE THAN LIFE ITSELF. HE MEAN SO MUCH TO ME. HIS SMILE BRIGHTENS UP MY DAY.HE IS THE ONE WHO MAKES ME HAPPY WHEN IM SAD.I WILL ALWAYS BE BY HIS SIDE NO MATTER WHAT.I AM GOING TO MAKE SURE THAT HE GETS EVERYTHING HE NEEDS. I WILL ALWAYS BE A WONDERFUL MOTHER TO HIM.I THANK GOD FOR HIM EVERY DAY.

**I love being a mommy**

Long ass blog right??? lol sorry about that....