Sunday, November 16, 2008

Thoughtful Day

Yup thats me in that picture above what you think??. I know yall proballii like didnt I just cut my bangs??. LOL yup and now im back on my Box Braids shit. I dont really like having my hair out in the winter time. Why wear it out when the wind gon just mess it up and have it blowing every dam where ??. Cause shit I dont like wearing hats. LMAO! I only wear them sometimes or maybe I would where a scarf.

Well moving on to.........................

Today wasnt a good day for me at all and still isnt. I only went outside once today and that was to go mail Chris letter. Than I come back home from the mailbox and momz talking about she want me to go to the store. I looked at her like she was fucking krazy cause why didnt she tell me go to the store while I was out there??. Sometimes she just dont use her dam brain at all. Did I go to the store for her? Hell no and plus it was too dam cold for me to go back out there. Winter is really here. I got so much on my mind. I caught myself in a deep day dream today. I was day dreaming about all the times I had with my father (r.i.p daddy). I miss him so much. Its so hard at times you cant even imagine.

It seemed so long today. I guess cause I aint have nothing to do. Sucks to be me on sundays.
You ever sit and think about your pass and the things you wish you could of changed?? Well I think about my pass sometimes. I try paying attention focusing on my future but sometimes I just get stuck and start thinking about my pass and shit. Like my babyfather(he's doing good by our son now) for example. Today I was thinking about him. A question popped up in my head for him but I dont want to make it seem like I want him back or anything like that cause I dont. Its just a question that need to be answered I think or maybe im over reacting. Shit I dont know whats wrong with me. All I really want to know "was it worth us breaking up??"

So you know I went and hit my babyfather up on aim without even thinking about how he can hurt my feelings cause he very good at that shit. What the hell!

Me-I gotta ask u something


Me-was it worth us being apart? just curious


Me-for real

Him-i guess so

Me-wat u mean u guess so?


Me-oh ok y u think it was worth it?


Me-wat do u know

Him-cuz it made us breathe



Me-y it made us breathe?

Him-We was around each other 2 mucc

Glad he answered my Question though. That niggah aint the same person like when we first met. He changed alot. So much I dont know who he is anymore. One minute he act like a nice guy and next minute he a mean guy. Not the innocent guy I once knew. But oh well long as he doing for our son now like he was suppose to been doing long time ago I dont care how he act. LoL


I also thought about my FIRST today. Yes the Niggah I lost my virginity too. His name is Leon. Its just krazy. Cause when I lost my virginity to him,I was already in a relationship with somebody else. But he didnt know that so me and Leon became a couple also. Guess you can say I was tryna be a player. Shoot I was young I aint no any better. What made me lose it to Leon? Cause like in my eyes he was that niggah for me for real he was. He was always around me and treated me like a lady. He is related to my bestfriend. So yeah thats pretty much why he was always around. So one day the shit just happened. I was 15 when I lost my virginity. And it dam sure felt good LOL.
Why so young? Shit I dont know I was horny and hated the feeling so I had to do the dam thing. Now lets get to the other dude that I was in a relationship with at the time when I lost my virginity. Aint gon put his name out there so imma just call him "Lame"but his ass was always on lock down need a say more??. So my ass fell for Leon even more cause he showed me more attention. Krazy part is they ended up finding out about each other. Yup. Cause Lame popped up on my block while I was with Leon. And my ass ran. LMAO thats not funni though. So I ran behind my momz and she like why you running than she saw why I was running. Yeah she knew I was tryna be a player. But I should not have ran cause they ended up sitting right next to each other and thats how my dumb ass got caught. Did my mom know I lost my virginity at that time? Nope I aint tell her into I felt like it. I told her when I turned 17 and she was kinda mad and wonder why I aint tell her when it happened. Shoot so she can kill me lol I was only 15. Anteeways back to what I was saying...................

Yes I was in relationship with both of them(Leon and Lame) and I had to let one of them go and that person I let go was Leon. And than evenutally me and Lame broke up too. I learned a lesson out of all of that. Shit I was tryna be a player but aint know what the hell I was doing. But I do know one thing I should of stayed with Leon not only cause I lost my virginity to him but cause we had something special and I should of not cheated on Lame I should of just broke up with him thats all even though I loved him.Truth be told I loved both Lame And Leon. Some people say you cant love two people. But Yes you can cause I dam sure did.I loved Leon cause he was always there for me and treated me like a lady and I loved Lame because he had a good mind and personality. So why did I cheat on Lame?? Shit I dont know I was young and dumb minded and it seemed like me and him wasnt gon never do the dam thing anyteeways cause of his dam father with the lock down shit but I should of still waited right? YUP. Dam I fucked up. But aleast I can admit to it.

As I type this im talking to Leon now. krazy right? . I said sorry for hurting him and he says he forgives me but I know he will never forget that day cause I know I cant. I caught myself crying a couple of times cause I felt bad cause I hurt him and he really did love me and I loved him too. And Lame I hurt him too by cheating on him and he loved me deeply but well shit happens and people make mistakes. Lesson Learned "dont be a player if you dont know how". Yes me and lame still keep in contact also.

Imma end this blog here cause I dont want to go too deep into my pass. Feel me? and plus I wanna talk to Leon. LoL Im responding to him on aim like every two to four minutes cause im typing this blog..



Super Woman said...

i think its these damn sundays that got us thinking about our past relationships
i just posted something like this

well toya do u wonder what it woulld have been like had u stayed with leon?

Tuotierugif >^..^<© said...

I love the braids! Its a hair do that never goes out of style, Im always rocking it too! lol

Brothers Blog said...

Yeah I know we all reminisce on the past. It's a natural human trait. I try to never have regrets in life. Like one action if you were to change it may throw off everything else. Like in your blog you mentioned Leon, and your BD. So, if things had've worked out with Leon or Lame, you may have never met your BD and then wouldn't have your son. So guess like Jay-Z said you "Gotta learn to live with regrets."

Gangstarr Girl said...

Love the braids! That's a good look. And on your father, keep your head up. I know what it feels like to lose someone really close. I lost my grandfather, who was basically my father, when I was 14 and I still get sad about it. It gets easier to deal, but you def never forget it.

I am Jwork said...

Your blog is crazy and I like it

Angel said...

girl u off the chainz....but ur blog is mad dope...u got another follower....

Teems said...

The braids are a good look hon. Nice! I think we all thing about our first. I didnt hurt mine though-the other way around.

Thats great that BD is getting his "daddy" on. Thats all that matters.

I tottally missed this post. I think I am following to many blogs.

Emeka Amakeze said...

You sure know how to express yourself and i can also say that about your babyfather. Nice braids.